Well, I always knew it would happen again. I’m not sure why I don’t just use one of my other blog sites. Maybe it’s because those old blogs are versions of me that I don’t know anymore, or maybe it’s because starting new is exactly what I need.
So much has happened since the last time I’ve written here. One of my last posts was about losing my Nana and the other was about inadvertantly falling in love with a friend. I’ve gone through breakups with boyfriends and best friends, reconnected with ghosts from my past, and lost someone so dear to me that I’m stuck in perpetual grief. I’ve lived.
I wanted my first post to be something positive. I’ve been stagnant in a dark place and almost everything I’ve written has been shrouded in pain and heaviness. Truly, those are the easiest things for me to write right now. But, like catching up with a long lost friend, you never lead with the sad. So, having said that, let’s get to know each other again.
I’m glad that I’m back.
So, Covid, huh? That was crazy. I’ve been blessed to say I haven’t lost anyone close to me due to Covid, but I know that’s not the case for some of you. It’s such a cruel virus and the hit-or-miss of whether or not someone gets mild symptoms or severe symptoms is terrifying. The not seeing family and friends, the lockdowns, the missing holidays and birthdays. The staying away from people you love because you don’t want to be the one to get them sick, and the losing of those people and the guilt that’s felt of not spending more time with them before they left. It’s been unfair.
I started a new job in February 2022. It is an interesting experience when the first half of your employment is working from home. I’ve found it particularly hard to form relationships with those I work with and now, being hybrid, it’s extremely awkward being around them. I’m pretty sure, no, I know they think I’m the weird kid. I know I’m the weird kid.
I ended my relationship with my boyfriend, who just happened to have been my best friend. Too bad I didn’t figure that out until it was way too late. Not only did I burn that bridge, but I filled the moat with quicksand.
It’s just dawned on me that this isn’t quite as positive as I was wanting it to be… oops.
Scratch all of that. I’m switching gears.
Since I’ve been gone, I finally wrote a teleplay. It actually happened pretty recently and I’m very proud of it. There isn’t a person on the planet that’s as critical of my writings as I am. Even this feels meh. But that teleplay, that was good. I can always tell when I’m on to something great because my heart races and I get an almost panic-y feeling all over my body – but in a good way, and then I’m exhausted when I’m finished. That’s what happened when I wrote it. I also knew I was really in it when I’d knocked the whole thing out in a couple of hours. I’ve been trying to write one for a while now and I’ll get halfway through and lose interest, or I’ll write a pilot and then never get passed it because I’ve lost interest in it. And, if I can’t keep myself entertained, why would anyone else be? But this latest one, I’m in love with it. I’m in love with the characters and the story. I’m genuinely excited for it. So excited that I entered it into a contest. Now, I don’t expect to get further than the first round, but at least someone else will read it and maybe they will think it’s good, too.
I did let three people close to me read it. One person thought it was a scary story, which was NOT at all what I was going for; one picked up on the dark humor and appreciated what I’d written; the other said he thought he’d struggle with seeing the story in his head but was pleasantly surprised when he could see it playing out as he read it.
Cross your fingers for me.
I had a lot of firsts in regards to concerts: Coldplay, Red Hot Chili Peppers, blink-182 with Tom. I have tickets to Pearl Jam later this year.
I’ve become one of those people that listens to podcasts now. Well, not podcasts but rather a single podcast. It’s called Small Town Murder and I’m obsessed. They’re doing a live show in Dallas, to which I have tickets and cannot wait. One of my most favorite things to do is sit on my balcony at night, put on the podcast and create art on my iPad. I even take a fan out there when it’s hot. Texas, y’all.
I went back to the ranch with my ex-husband’s family; a place I never thought I’d go after the divorce. It’s such a special place to me and I may have cried when we left. It was cathartic to see the deer, sit by a bonfire and eat like calories don’t exist. I missed the smell, I missed the long drive out there, I missed sleeping on a bunkbed and I missed hanging out and having talks with guys I never thought I’d have the opportunity to talk to again. …and the shooting stars.
So, anyways, I’m back. I put a lot of thought into starting this again. I struggle with thinking that almost everything I write will be depressing or sad. I’m processing a lot of grief and it’s consumed every second of my life for the last 4.5 months. I don’t want to come off as a Debbie Downer but, frankly, I am right now. Plus, it’s not like many people will read this; and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s not like they’re being forced to read it. I am but a speck of dust in a universe of online writings. And if for nothing at all, at least it’s a place for me to feel, write and release.
I’ll be getting into a lot of things during this adventure. I’ll write about love and breaking hearts; I’ll write about grief and questioning everything I’ve ever known; I’ll be vulnerable and honest about my mental health; I’ll write about the interesting things I read, watch or hear; I’ll share achievements and hope; and I’ll write about the world and how batshit crazy things have gotten.
But it’s late right now and I feel like watching an episode of Gilmore Girls before bed. So, goodnight to the cacophony of the blogging universe.
-a
anna in the clouds 